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not innocent

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haha, I love my work, it makes me happy.
but as for the people,
I'm bored.


I mean nice and lovable people,
and I really do like them.
but somehow I realise I'm just uninterested in doing anything with them,

same pattern same same.
even new person kay,
It's like the older you grow, the more characters you are exposed to,
the less interested you get.

luckily there is so many crews,
when I start working, yea, I get to work with different people everyday.
I would reignite some people passion

as long as she cool

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youth can only be so long,
but I'm already living as an old man.

a badass old man. hehe
I don't worry about fading youth,
because time is essence,
an essence that makes me grow everyday.

the mind is like wine, I would like to believe.

and I value intellect more than anything

how deep is your love gigi hadid mv

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too tired to act on anything "unproductive"
except being here, lol.
call for me,
take me by the nape,
slaughter my heart,
if you want me.

You can be as kind as an angel,
as graceful as silent chimes,
but don't be too kind on a dying heart,
it no longer feels.

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I do want to try,
I do believe, that one day my mindset will change,
but the process sucks doesn't it?
repetitions. carelessness that hurt others and being hurt.
there's little novelty and interest in something
we'd done over and over again.

Lazy and apathetic to repeat,
but if they try hard enough,
shouldn't we?

 it's pointless to repeat,
but it's more pointless to stay stagnant
and dense to believe that everything is always the same.

sometimes, we have to take a chance,
and believe the process would be different.
take a leap of faith;
believe that it reaps harvest of a different gold.

make a choice

0 コメント"(comment/s)"♥" "
I'm quite happy, but the fact that I'm here, means I'm somewhat not productive enough

I have loads to complain, but let's emphasise on the good first.

I finally make clear to my ex boss I have no intention to continue with her even part time.

like I'm working, and work = being made used of,yet,
I never felt so made used by.
like I'm a fucking doll in her factory, locked up and given to create what
she desires.

like when I made clear, and she just said thanks and goodbye, adverting my eyes, I can feel all love draining from her, that I can no longer help with her fantasy. and that's just pathetic, it's pathetic to love me only for my capabilities, I have much more to offer.

secondly, I am more proactive which makes me absorb more in class,
and I found menthol sweets that actually can keep me awake which is awesome.

the sad side of my life, is I spend money so quickly on red bull and sweets, it's depressing.

I'm not earning that much yet.

another bad side, is as much as I am respectful and do love my family.
I have no desire to gain their love, because their love = greater suffocation.
lol, I rather work hard to please others than my own family which is pathetic.

fourthly, I think all the guys gave up on me. lol, besides people from the past, of course I'm always open to new friends,
I know more people gradually and they have the option to like me, but I guess I just can't keep up with boring love and vice versa.

fifthly, the only person I am willing to like, is still probably c, lol, please don't smack me.
like I said, I am over long ago, when I said I was over like months back, I meant it,
I am just making use of vague feelings to proclaim something. that I am capable of something.
if not,
I am like a robot,
that merely learns love and acts on it, but never really knows it.

and if somehow, I'm really not over c, omg, my pride just went down the drain.
by no means I thought he was better than me, an awesome catch yes, but to fixate on a single soul without the potential to actually interact and learn something from is insanely useless.

after all, that is when I felt something the most.

so I take that experience and try to emulate something better in the future, not now because I plan to travel, and at least choose a person of different ethnicity and race.

so they have more to offer for me to explore.

I really am just the worst, when I recall how many texts went ignored, how many suitors I forgot, I feel like I'm not even a girl.
like when a girl is being suited by someone they are not interested, they will gush to their friends like how she is way out of his league.
if people ask me, I will say he is a nice guy but not suitable for me. but if they don't I just completely forget about them

anw... I believe I will be better/ so hopeful.
I believe I will really have pure love.
I don't know where I gotten that hope from.
but life is just my oyster.
i love it.

I just want to learn even more efficiently, so I can really just spend the rest of my time playing, lol.